I know exactly who I need to give it to,
And I know their reaction would be cold,
But I still dream of giving it.
A chance to be open, honest, about who I am.
I have keep quiet all these things that I should have spoken,
Set up layer upon layer of protective shields,
And when they've failed then I've used words and emotions
All to protect this secret I hold.
Yet I've surprised myself in my victory,
Embracing it has made me stronger,
Able to use the negative elements for good in my life
Found the better version of me that was always there, hiding.
I wish I could explain the journey here,
The bumps in the road that they witness.
Without explanation, there were few rational responses for my actions,
For tears, spite, paranoia and pain.
But when they are induced by a cure,
That would ultimately make me a whole person again,
Then, you might have been more inclined to forgive.
The mistake was mine, the fear complete,
The fear of showing what might have been a weakness.
Yet it is the very thing that has driven me to achieve what I have,
It is the quality that will continue to drive me throughout my life.
For all the demons that I've done battle with,
The reward of control over my own potential is liberating,
Intoxicating,
Inspiring.
I just wish that I had been more open along the way.
Social taboos would accept a tragedy,
A death, loss, a world falling apart.
Yet when that tragedy is the product of the chemicals in your mind,
There is so little in the way of sympathy towards it.
In the same way I feared acceptance,
I know that others feared understanding.
People warn you off being open,
As it will leave you vulnerable in your work, your life.
Vulnerable to a misguided witch hunt,
Where the terrors of others surface as hatred.
It shouldn't be this way. This fear of honesty.
And in embracing who I am I have confronted my fears.
I will stand, and I will throw myself to the lions
As I know the defence of truth is more than words,
It is who you are, and who you become.
I will be strong.
And I will achieve.
In which case, there's nothing wrong with being me.
x x
2 comments:
'People warn you off being open,
As it will leave you vulnerable in your work, your life.'
This post should be included in an 'instruction manual for living'.
Carmela, it took me half a lifetime to realise that to be open is to remove opportunities for misunderstanding (some deliberate) from your life. You also cannot be blackmailed!
'Others' may appear outraged, but what is it about themselves you have challenged them to reveal?
As an example, how many 'charismatic church' gurus who rant about fornication have been caught with their 'hands in the cookie jar'?
You are very kind. It's funny how exposed you feel when you write that sort of thing down for the first time. But it's nice to feel so positive at last about something that dogged so many years before. And your point is spot on... I'm sure they're all just a little scared of their own secrets. It's funny how the nastiest people are often those with the closest experiences!
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