Confused? I am. Consistent? I'm not. A letter to my younger self.

Part of the problem with being a little "unpredictable" is the vulnerability that it gives you.  While I'm strong so much of the time, I flip to periods I'm quite detached from my emotions, and can be easily hurt or manipulated then.  I forgive people who do not know this, as this is my fault in my omission if they don't understand my behaviour.   However, I've had experiences throughout my life where people knew exactly what was wrong, and used it for their own gain.

With each stumble in my life (of which there have been many) I know now now that I only become stronger.  Part of me wishes that I could go back and warn myself at the very first moment of darkness in my teenage years... and give myself the clarity of mind to stand up for myself.  To stop the damage the idiots do before they have a chance to get their claws in.  And to tell myself what the hell was going on.  x

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Dear little angel,
Right now the clouds are filling your head,
And it feels like you have nothing more to live for.
You ache with each breath, and long for the world to be filled with light again.
You ask yourself, how can the brilliant person you were last week,
Be reduced to tears on her bedroom floor, carpet pressed against her tear-stained face?
The darkness you feel has crept on so quickly,
Started as a dull ache on your productive week, but built, steadily.
Then, like a lead balloon filled the caverns of your agile mind,
Slowing it to nothing more than a painful whimper.

This feeling, my love, is something you will take a while to understand,
As it's a frequent occurrence in your life to come.
Yet you do nothing to cause it, and you must try to accept it,
As you mind is just playing tricks on you again.
The clouds will roll over you, like a vicious summer storm,
Out of the blue your moments of perfection, inspiration, will be ripped apart.
Where you were once building beautiful words, images, music,
Your soul will have nothing creative left inside.

When the days seem so bleak that you can barely get out of bed,
Don't cry, love.  There's always light at the end of the tunnel.
I know it seems unfathomable, impossible, unreal.
You will ache to be loved and protected more than you could ever imagine,
Sacrificing judgement to satisfy your intense needs.
But love, hold back, and know that the answers you seek aren't there.
You alone can control this feeling that lies in you now,
You alone control the bleak mountain rolling over your head.

My sweetest darling,
The dark desires of your lonely heart, can only be quelled by your happiness,
Built up by routine, expression and exertion.
Things that one day you will learn to lean on.
Structuring your life from the confusion you suffer now,
These moments of darkness you will learn to face,
With a strength right now you are only just learning to master.
Resilience will build up a formidable woman,
Fire in her eyes and a golden desire to succeed.
You will be proud to be who you are, one day.

The moments of light when you can achieve the world,
Will make you more than successful in all that you do.
Like a fern in the woods, you will grow with speeds unknown,
Learning your world and seeing it all unfold before you.
You will reach for the stars, inspired by the bright lights of infinity,
Finding comfort in deep thinking about galaxies beyond.
Your smile will give light to you heart each day,
And you will see in others what you feel yourself so often.

My beautiful butterfly,
When darkness comes, it will be more than manageable,
As distraction's the key to controlling your moods.
You'll carve a life for yourself that will give you the space,
To live and breathe until you're calm again.
Listen to these words as you cry so silently on the floor,
You have no need to fear what you feel, in this moment of darkness now,
As while it hurts so much at this second, you're stronger than this,
It will make you more than you ever thought you could be.

A Speech I've Longed to Give...

There's a speech that I dream of giving.
I know exactly who I need to give it to,
And I know their reaction would be cold,
But I still dream of giving it.
A chance to be open, honest, about who I am.
I have keep quiet all these things that I should have spoken,
Set up layer upon layer of protective shields,
And when they've failed then I've used words and emotions
All to protect this secret I hold.
Yet I've surprised myself in my victory,
Embracing it has made me stronger,
Able to use the negative elements for good in my life
Found the better version of me that was always there, hiding.
I wish I could explain the journey here,
The bumps in the road that they witness.
Without explanation, there were few rational responses for my actions,
For tears, spite, paranoia and pain.
But when they are induced by a cure,
That would ultimately make me a whole person again,
Then, you might have been more inclined to forgive.
The mistake was mine, the fear complete,
The fear of showing what might have been a weakness.
Yet it is the very thing that has driven me to achieve what I have,
It is the quality that will continue to drive me throughout my life.
For all the demons that I've done battle with,
The reward of control over my own potential is liberating,
Intoxicating,
Inspiring.
I just wish that I had been more open along the way.
Social taboos would accept a tragedy,
A death, loss, a world falling apart.
Yet when that tragedy is the product of the chemicals in your mind,
There is so little in the way of sympathy towards it.
In the same way I feared acceptance,
I know that others feared understanding.
People warn you off being open,
As it will leave you vulnerable in your work, your life.
Vulnerable to a misguided witch hunt,
Where the terrors of others surface as hatred.
It shouldn't be this way.  This fear of honesty.
And in embracing who I am I have confronted my fears.
I will stand, and I will throw myself to the lions
As I know the defence of truth is more than words,
It is who you are, and who you become.
I will be strong.
And I will achieve.
In which case, there's nothing wrong with being me.

x x

The Product of a Troubled Mind

The blackness creeps like trickling oil,

Across my face and into my soul.

Painful memories, flooding in,

Taking control of the fragile balance,

Tipping emotions towards the flood.

Streetlights through ice, © Nichola Jahn 2010

Such power, such monumental power,

Controls all that I can be.

I search for a moment of clarity,

Dreaming of days gone past,

Days when the blackness couldn't get in.

Seeking desperately to find the door

So I may close it tightly from the dark,

Become myself once more.

I look to the skies as though the answer is there

But reality bites back with the truth,

These demons that haunt my every being

Are a creation of my own.

Weapons are like nothing before,

Delving deep into subconscious prisons,

Mapping reactions, parent, adult, child,

Finding the moments that turn the tables,

Generating an arsenal against the beasts.

Fighting to survive against the darkness,

Fighting to keep on trying.

Victory barely a thought as the battle wages on,

Using up reserves just to continue,

But nothing the product of a troubled mind,

Should be allowed to win.

And with that thought I am inspired to go on.

x